I am posting another passage from Dostoevsky, one that explains or describes the feeling many of us often feel. Passionate love for humanity, and yet at times indifference for man. How we often dream of serving and benefiting humanity, and yet are unable to translate that passion when we deal with individual humans. This passage, my friends, is a self-castigation exercise. I want you all to give it a read. I really feel that Dostoevsky speaks to us all. Ingratitude is probably what drives people away from each the most. Not everybody wants materialistic returns. Some honestly, just want to be loved back in return.
‘In active love? There’s another question and such a question! You see, I so love humanity that — would you believe it? — I often dream of forsaking all that I have, leaving Lise, and becoming a sister of mercy. I close my eyes and think and dream, and at that moment I feel full of strength to overcome all obstacles. No wounds, no festering sores could at that moment frighten me. I would bind them up and wash them with my own hands. I would nurse the afflicted. I would be ready to kiss such wounds.’
‘It is much, and well that your mind is full of such dreams and not others. Yes. But could I endure such a life for long?’ the lady went on fervently, almost frantically. ‘That’s the chief question — that’s my most agonising question. I shut my eyes and ask myself, ‘Would you persevere long on that path? And if the patient whose wounds you are washing did not meet you with gratitude, but worried you with his whims, without valuing or remarking your charitable services, began abusing you and rudely commanding you, and complaining to the superior authorities of you (which often happens when people are in great suffering) — what then? Would you persevere in your love, or not?’ And do you know, I came with horror to the conclusion that, if anything could dissipate my love to humanity, it would be ingratitude. In short, I am a hired servant, I expect my payment at once — that is, praise, and the repayment of love with love. Otherwise I am incapable of loving anyone.’’
She was in a very paroxysm of self-castigation, and, concluding, she looked with defiant resolution at the elder. ‘It’s just the same story as a doctor once told me,’ observed the elder. ‘He was a man getting on in years, and undoubtedly clever. He spoke as frankly as you, though in jest, in bitter jest. ‘I love humanity,’ he said, ‘but I wonder at myself. The more I love humanity in general, the less I love man in particular. In my dreams,’ he said, ‘I have often come to making enthusiastic schemes for the service of humanity, and perhaps I might actually have faced crucifixion if it had been suddenly necessary; and yet I am incapable of living in the same room with anyone for two days together, as I know by experience. As soon as anyone is near me, his personality disturbs my self-complacency and restricts my freedom. In twenty-four hours I begin to hate the best of men: one because he’s too long over his dinner; another because he has a cold and keeps on blowing his nose. I become hostile to people the moment they come close to me. But it has always happened that the more I detest men individually the more ardent becomes my love for humanity.’
‘But what’s to be done? What can one do in such a case? Must one despair?
The Brothers Karamazov – Fyodor Dostoevsky
There are many children who face the anguish of repression in childhood. Repression that damages them to some extent permanently. The problem seems to exist in Pakistan deeper than most countries. Perhaps this is how such a child thinks?
I sit here hurt, anguished and spent. Sometimes I just wish I had different parents. What’s
the point of being so knowledgable if you cannot keep ur child happy? My parents, drowned in fake pools of masochism. Unrelenting, spiteful and desperate to be in contol.
Hard to say. I am trapped in this circle of forced love, forced respect and forced obedience. Sick of trying to get them to understand who I am. I am rebellious. I am outspoken about my beleifs and ideas. What’s wrong with that?
All I wanted was a fair system. Isnt justice my right? Is it so big a crime that everytime I stand up, I’m struck on the head, and reminded that I feed off HIS balls?
What about values? Integrity? Do I have to kiss upto them for even that basic right? Does exercising your authority makes a man out of someone?
The saddest truth is – I dont respect them. And it will be a cold day in hell when I accept that I never wanted to. I did. So badly. They just never stopped the mental assault. Always the pure Islamic mind. Child MUST obey. Child MUST give in. They are indestructible, impregnable. Never wrong. Always the light of wisdom. We, are vermin. Born to have sand kicked in our face. As unimportant as bits of meat stuck in the teeth. As pale an existence as that of a phantom.
How one feels to be hurt
To be hurt by people who mean the world
People you’d sacrifice yourselves for, if need be
And how would it feel
When you cannot communicate the intensity of your emotion across
Marred by their insensitivity and your own alter-ego
Some would call it self-respect, some would call it fate
In the end, it’s just another pathway to hell’s gate
How would it feel, to despair
To scream at them outside, and
To bleed inside torn by blood love
To cry for them, as if tears made up of your very soul
To pray for them, as if praying for sins granted no penance
To fight a fight full of spite, how would it feel …
To know it’s a fight you’ll lose either way
When you know their triumph is despair for you
And your triumph is their despair
How would it feel, to counter an adversary as such,
An adversary you’d hate to hurt …
How would it feel, have you ever wondered?
What would you do with such ruthlessness?
When you try to get numb, when you surround yourself in ice
How would it feel for just one hot tear, painful as death itself
For just one such drop to vaporize ice?
How would it feel have you ever wondered?
To break a heart, I believe
It only needs love & hate
Have you ever felt
A contagious emotion such as love?
Have you ever wondered
About the irony that is love?
About the paradox that is love?